Yes, I'm back.
It's the new year, and I've decided to get meaner. Although not right now. I'm too tired: done in by holidays spent dealing with horribly ill and/or crabby and/or bored children! Right now, I'm going to share with you my list of New Year's resolutions. There are many, other than the meaner one, ensuring that at least a few will be kept (I hope)...
Number 1, of course, is don't get pregnant. It's a uneven numbered year, usually the call of motherhood, the lure of the belly, if you will, is strong for me, but this year, I vow to resist (more precisely, hubby has vowed to do it for me).
Number 2, it logically follows, is to lose my left-over-from-baby-number-one baby-weight. This explains why I'll be meaner and why you'll be reading much more snarky blogs from me for the next few months as I am replacing basically everything I love to eat with carrots (which I loathe) and sweating like an asthmatic pig (which I loathe) every day on my (new, and extremely expensive) elliptical trainer.
Speaking of expensive, number 3 is a vow of poverty. Or at least of middle class-ity. This one's already down the crapper two weeks into the year, as:
- Big M needed a new booster seat for the car. Did you know Clek makes some that cost 400$? But they're Paul Frank and I love those damn monkeys so I compromised and bought the 125$ one that Graco sells for 15$. I put that one in the win column, actually.
- Plus we needed a new camera
- And a new elliptical trainer
- And it's all the kids' birthdays and it's cost me 300$ just in cakes (that I can't even eat) the past few weeks.
- And since I can't eat anymore, I've resorted to shopping. I've got the most fabulous wardrobe I've ever had, which hopefully will soon be much too big.
Number 4, I have to warn you, is a bit gross: I swear to clean out the cars more than once every January. The minivan and the sedan both. The latter, for actual health issues as the back of the car gets so overrun with McDonald's food wrappers, half-eaten fruit, half-drunk juice boxes, doll parts, doll clothes, single shoes and single socks, that the kids are in actual danger of being buried alive. With the minivan, it's more a question of mortification, since as it's bigger, we can fit more than our immediate family and its surrounding junk into it and the smell can knock the unfortunate guest passengers back, which can be embarrassing, to say the least. To give a real-life example, hubby actually forgot some pee-soaked clothes in the trunk awhile back, which was moulding away for months before I finally located the source of the smell (after a worried enquiry about dead animals from my mother, our number one unfortunate passenger). And the minivan fits a lot more crap than the car. It's horrific, really. The wayward gerbil could be in there (alive or dead) and it wouldn't surprise me. And the mess clashes with the outward image of neat-freakness I like to maintain (which fools no one but perfect strangers).
Although, to be perfectly honest, I'm kind of off the hook for the grand tidying of the minivan, as it's been stalled in front of our garage all winter, ensuring there will be no guest passengers to unkindly judge my slovenliness (of course I'm not referring to my mother, she doesn't have a critical bone in her body) and it's hubby's resolution (he mentions it daily) to get the damn thing to the garage, since I can't drive (resolution, number 5 right there. Did you catch it? Learn to drive!)
Getting on with my self improvement, number 6 is trying to understand what the Hell Twitter is, how the Hell it differs from a Facebook status and how the Hell to use it. Maybe this one I'll actually be able to follow through, if I can muster up the energy to care.
Then, there's the usual oaths to be more rigorous about the kids' veggie intake (7), teeth-brushing (8), bed-time habits (9) and TV viewing (10). All, you may have guessed, abysmal failures as of January fourth of this year.
That's all.
That's all you're getting, anyway, as my other resolutions involve getting out the sexy Santa suit more than once a year or something along those lines, and more details about that would probably make my mother in law blush and my little sister gag...
Happy New Year everyone and may I just finish by saying thank God the holidays are over!!!
